Girlfriend power

Hey girls, just a quick thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers and girlfriend power you've sent my way (Missy even offered up a cross blessed by the Pope!). The hospital called this AM to let me know that they had a cancellation for a mammogram tomorrow, so I grabbed the spot and will hopefully have my mind put at ease 3 weeks earlier than expected! I also have an MD appt at 8:45am to go over my lab results, so by tomorrow night I'll be enjoying a glass of wine with a load off my mind (hopefully)! I'll update you soon, oh, and Court...how them Pants treating you?!?!?

Struggling With Living in the Moment

Beautiful Women,

Wow! It seems like when I start to forget about the power of the pants, something happens that brings it all back to me. I loved talking to Liz about her last night in the pants and the amazing things that happened. Liz and I spent some time deciding who would play each of us in the movie. I want Reece Witherspoon. Liz is thinking Naomi Watts. We thought we had to get Julia Roberts for Court and we kicked around a few ideas for Missy...maybe Marissa Tomei??? What a cast! Three academy award winners! These pants are incredible!

Now onto my latest struggle... I had this amazing weekend in the mountains with Scott. Saturday was the perfect day. It was like I was in a fantasy world! Beautiful condo in Winter Park, on a hill across from the ski resort, hot tub on the porch, perfectly decorated, roaring fireplace, jacuzzi tub, lots of brand new lingerie, you get the picture??? Then I get back and I can go from being on top of the world to seriously crashing. I think the trigger was that I was invited to dinner at Scott's house last night with the kids. It was him and I, Niki and Shawn and the kids. I am living a double life and my two worlds collided! I guess I just wasn't prepared to have to play "mommy" in front of the guy I have been playing "hot sex kitten" with. It was just weird! And then I got all distrusting and paranoid and decided I should end it all with him before he ends up breaking my heart, because he doesn't want the package deal that I come with. I got all freaky and was NOT living in the moment. I do great when I can stay in the moment, but when I leave it for a second...I freak out!

So Scott says the perfect thing, as always...when I said "I come with too much baggage. You need to meet someone without kids", he says "I don't think you should refer to your kids as 'baggage'...they are great!" And goes on to say, "don't you think that if I was going to get freaked out by your children, I would have done that by now?" And then reminded me to stop trying to see into the future. He said "I just love being with you and that's all I know right now." He says those kind of things all the time and makes it impossible for me to hate him! (When Harry Met Sally quote!) How do I stop obsessing and losing it with him? Or he will get sick of me! When I asked him if he hated how I get like that, he thought about it for a few seconds and said "No. I like it." Ever since I said the "L word" last week, I have been really fearful and crazy one minute and in total shmoopy bliss the next. (and by the way, he loves me too and said he was glad I said it first, because he felt it, but didn't want to scare me off.) What gives? How do I learn to trust again? I hate Bryan! How did I get here???

One last thing...

OK....Can we all just go back and read Shelby's post, "I light up the room?" Seeing as though Miss Shelby and Mr. Scott are a thing these days, I think it's pretty cool that we have the beginning of their thing documented! :)

I just want to "Be"

Well my friends, my journey with the pants has come to an end after a month of ups and downs. I kept trying to look for the magic in the pants, but needed to remember that the pants are here to teach us something that we don't necessarily know we need to learn. So here goes...I learned that I need to do a better job of just being... I truly think we all struggle as wives, mothers, and friends with the balancing acting of caring for others while making sure our own needs are met. Personally, I am such a doer I have a really hard time just being in the moment. This month has been such a learning experience and as I think back on other life lessons it came to me that when I finished my internship at Children's Hospital (13 yrs ago) I asked my supervisor for an honest piece of constructive criticism, something I could take with me that would impact my work. Her words of wisdom were, "Liz, you need to slow down, stop and smell the roses. I often feel that you are so goal driven, you miss the little pieces along the way. It isn't enough to be detailed oriented, because you lose the process piece and put all of your energies into the content. Just take a deep breath, slow down, and live in the moment."
Flash ahead to 2007, in the car, talking with my 7 yr old about her plans for the summer. After all I'm working, Rick is working, we need to make sure we have coverage for Hannah. Don't want her to be bored and under foot. As we talked about last summer's plans (drama camp, art camp, science/math camp, reading camp, tumbles camp, etc etc etc), she looked at me and said, "Mom, this summer I just want to be"..."I don't want to go all over the place, I want to wake up and play with friends if they ask, go to lunch with you during your breaks, hang out with dad when he has time, can't I just be?"
For goodness gracious, can someone just knock me over the head a bit harder?!? So, my lesson for this month is to take the heartfelt advice offered up 13 yrs ago my wonderful supervisor and reiterated by my 7 yr old daughter... I just need to slow down...and Be...

My last night in The Pants

Although I've yet to actually post the rules for the pants on the Divas in Denim blog, I do have them scribbled down on a napkin from the day we all sat at The Venetian gobbling down lunch. 1 of the rules is, "You must wear the pants on the first day you get them, and the last day you have them." So, on 4/20, I was definitely going to be wearing the pants. But ironically enough, on 4/20, I was also headed to San Diego to meet up with family friends and go to a concert. Chantal Kreviazuk was opening for Five for Fighting and is a neighbor of my friends; she also just so happens to be the one who sang the signature song for the soundtrack to none other than The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. And while her songs on The Sisterhood soundtrack hold special meaning for me, she has a beautiful voice and some other great music out there.
The day started out a bit dreary and it rained the whole way down to San Diego. Chantal's voice had given out the night before at a concert in Canada, so it was questionable whether she was going to be able to perform. But, I had my fingers crossed, since her song These Days, resonated in my heart and reminded me of our Vegas trip. The lyrics are amazing,
"Where we can wear each other for awhile
I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile,
We'll get through tomorrow somehow today
Happy After...Once upon these days"
Thinking back to Vegas and Shelby's situation always makes this song extra special. I remember singing the song with Missy in the car while we ran out for snacks, and listening to it with Court during the car ride to and from Vegas.
So, back to 4/20. I made it down to the venue in San Diego where we met up with Chantal and my friends Megan and Paul. We spent a little time putting our stuff backstage and checking out the lay of the land and then decided to go to Dobsons (thanks to Missy's recommendation) for some dinner. Chantal's voice was sounding pretty good after a day of hot steam and tea. As we were driving to the restaurant, I started thinking about the pants, and the song (which I couldn't wait to hear live) and just how lame it could sound for me to break out with the story of the pants in the middle of dinner. How do I bridge this one...did it matter? I felt a bit like the pants deserved to have their story told to someone who had such a connection to their very existence (I mean face it, without the movie we would have never thought to buy 1 pair of pants for the 4 of us and swap them every month along with stories of how our lives changed while they were in our possession). So, I realized that I owed it to the pants and the girls to make our story known. Dinner went well, the Mussel Bisque was all that Missy made it out to be. We chatted about a ton of things including Chantal's work rebuilding schools that were devastated by war for children in the Congo; could the pants story hold a candle to this? Then it came, time to just come out with it. And I did, I told our story from beginning to end. The great part was that Chantal was as excited about the whole thing as we are. She kept saying, "this sounds like a movie," to which I responded, "it was a movie, remember? :)" Then she started talking about her friendship with the movie's Producer and how I need to sit down with her and tell her our story. She brought up a good point, after all the original story was about adolescent coming of age but who ever thought that it could happen in real life, to 4 very real women. So we laughed a lot, I filled her in on everything from our being ousted from Tao the Nightclub, to the finding, trying on and buying the pants, to Shelby's early morning story telling of her McDreamy night and all of the magic that ensued. There I was, now really looking forward to hearing the pants anthem, live, and from someone who knew our story, and was excited about our story...and then...Chantal broke that news, "it's too bad I can't sing the song tonight, it just really isn't something that you can sing in a club like environment, too much noise and not enough beat to grab the attention of a big crowd." What the &%$($&, oh well, at least I had a 1 1/2 hr drive home ahead with the CD in my car, and I can belt out some tunes when I'm alone!
We got back to 4th and B (the venue), and hung out backstage for a bit. A few more folks cruised through the area, and buzz about the pants started. I ended up telling a fairly abridged version of the story a couple of more times, and had several, "I need some of them pants" comments. Chantal was called out for sound check, and I ran upstairs to go to the bathroom. There I was in the men's bathroom (because the women's wasn't working) and all of the sudden I hear, "Liz, Liz where are you?" and the comforting sound of the piano playing the opening notes to These Days and then those all too familiar words:
What's this life anyway?
What's it to you and me?
What's it to anyone?
Who are we supposed to be?
I darted out of the bathroom and down to the front of the stage, and just stood, taking it all in. It absolutely grabbed me at the bottom of my heart and I wished more than anything that we could be there all together. In January, it was Shelby's tears we all dried, and in April you all confronted me through my tears. Our friendships, these pants, this song...
The night was amazing, the concert was incredible and when Chantal was done and Five for Fighting took the stage and almost feared what I'd do when John sang Superman. Missy and I have talked endlessly about the emotions behind Superman, and if you ever have a chance to sit and just listen to the words, listen to them from the perspective of a mother.
Anyway, that night I ended up seeing people I hadn't seen in 15 yrs, reconnecting and renewing friendships. When I talked to Court the next day, she said, "Oh my gaw, you sound like you're just floating" and I was.
Chantal is touring with Five for Fighting and then will most likely head out on her own tour after the release of her new album. She plans to head to Vegas for a show, and we talked about all of the girls coming out for a reunion. It promises to be a night none of us will forget.
So I hand on the pants to Courtney knowing that she'll find them a reminder of the love and strength of The Sisterhood. Have a great month Court!

I'm here...I really am...

Hi all,
It's been too long since I've posted, especially as the holder of The Pants. I've noticed myself saving them to wear on certain days, hoping the Magic will make that day bearable. Been having some health issues, which I'm just now having to actually face although am stuggling with how to get through the unknown while keeping a smiling face on for the kids. I've thought about Shelby a lot lately and the strength she has shown in getting through this past year. Having to turn your pain "on and off" depending on the situation and then trying not to let it all spill out when you know it is safe to. The pants haven't shown me magic this past month, but have been a constant reminder that I have a lot of strength and love to draw on when needed. Friends are fun to have around, but Girlfriends are irreplaceable! So, to that Mr. Bryan, I have six words, "To the left, to the left..."

Reclaim Your Light

I came across this quote by Marianne Williamson today. I have read it before, but it is so amazing, I had to share it with my sisters.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Love to you all,
The Brilliant, Sensual, Bewitching, Greek Goddess

When Bad Days Happen to Good People

Amazing Women!

I knew I would have to eventually have another crappy day...so BOOM! It happened yesterday. The great thing is...I survived it with my self-esteem still relatively in tact! Just lots of emotions coming up for me. With the recent anniversary of my mom's death, a Easter trip to WY to hang out with my emotionally unavailable male family members, having to get my "disillusionment of marriage" notarized and finally cleaning all of Bryan's shit out of MY closet (both in the same day), I was bond to have a bit of a setback.

I feel angry that Bryan took an amazing relationship and threw it in the trash. Angry for my loss and for my children's loss. Problems come up in every relationship. He was only responsible for telling me how he felt and he could not do that. He still sees that as a result of my "judgemental" and "critical" nature.

I think the big thing here is that when I start to look for the "why" again, like I did yesterday, I always end up feeling horrible. I need to stay in the moment and except that the "why" will probably NEVER make complete sense to me. And the more I have those moments where I look to Bryan to explain his behavior to me, the more awful I end up feeling about myself. He really can be masterful at manipulation. After talking to him, I typically find myself questioning myself and how I was responsible for this divorce. He keeps reminding me that I am "50% responsible" and in my weaker moments, I actually believe that. I can get myself out of that place and say to myself "what a bunch of crap", but I need to stop going there at all.

I guess this week I have had to face that fact that this relationship is truly over. That at this point, it wouldn't matter what Bryan said or did. I am finally at a place where I really get the fact that Bryan is not good for my soul. I am having to grieve the loss of what I thought we had and who I thought he was. I am not sure that person EVER existed.

Thoughts? Are you guys out there? I miss you all!

Shelby

Wearing The Pants

So, the pants arrived last week and I wasn't feeling so lucky! Spent the week pretty sick with a head/chest cold, but things are looking up. Slipped on the pants this morning and logged onto email just in time to check out a great pic of Shelby with her beau. Love the glow and dazzling smiling (from both of them)! Still looking forward to my "pants lesson" at this point it is definitely something about taking time to care for myself. I think that we as parents, wives, worker bees and friends tend to overextend ourselves and don't take enough time to recharge our own batteries...so my friends, please take a few minutes to do just 1 thing for yourself today that you hadn't planned to do when the sun came up this AM!
I know that this is a very tough week for our dear Shelby, I'm calling on all the girls to send positive thoughts and prayers to Denver. For now.... Kaufman out :)