The Pants have arrived!

Hey gals
I am happy to report that the Pants arrived yesterday & boy am I excited to have them in my possession. I was sitting at my desk making my way through my work & saw the Fed Ex man pull up to my house. Of course I was expecting him to be delivering boring payroll checks for Brian's employees & boy was I surprised when the package was for me. I frantically opened it, a sense of excitement came over me & I rushed upstairs to put them on immediately. (By the way, I would like to add a rule if it is not too late that if at all possible, you must try to wear the Pants on the same day as their arrival-what do you gals think?) I had an appt for someone to look at the house 30 minutes after the arrival of the Pants so we will see what happens there. We did get an offer by the way (not a very good one, but an offer at that-negotiations are underway, so I will update you all if I hear any good news.) After reading all of these emotional posts, I must admit that I feel like my house selling woes are really not all that important in the scheme of life. But nonetheless, it is the cause of much anxiety for me these days.

I must also share that our good friend Liz nominated me for this award at work & I got it! I was so shocked when our Medical Director "presented" the award to me in our staff meeting on Monday. Of course it is a difficult presentation when I am only on the phone 3,000 miles away from the office. What a nice way to start the week huh? With the award comes company wide recognition of course which is really nice & a LARGE bonus of $100. Liz & I were cracking up that this award that had to be approved by about 300 committees came with a whopping bonus. Hmm I thought Wellpoint made billions of dollars? OK I shouldn't sound ungrateful-I am thrilled to be recognized for my work, but it gaves us a chuckle nonetheless. OH and prepare yourselves to chuckle some more once we take a picture of Liz presenting the award to me when she comes to visit. Our manager wants her to follow through with this request so a picture can be posted on our company website. We have decided that I will wear the Pants for the shot. How silly, but we will post the shot here if it actually turns out.

OK I really must get back to work now. More to come as the Power of the Pants continues.

At a loss for words

I have to say...I love "the blog!" I know it has been some time since I've posted, but I'll tell you that it brightens my day to check out news from my friends. Shelby is so darn awesome at writing and Michele's poetry is amazing, I feel very fortunate to be a part of this whole thing. So, I'm heading off to New Jersey, and will visit my old friend Melissa Wynn...and in the words of Missy..."it will be fab!" You girls are all fab, I love that we all met up in Vegas and got some time together, and most of all that everyone's rallied around Shelby to remind her of what a great person she is! Sounds like you've turned a corner Shelby, there will be several more to turn before you find your way through the maze of life, but I'm really glad that your seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!

I still have "the rules" for "the pants" (does that remind you of the Friends episode with the quotes?!?) Anyone, anyone?!? I'll dig them out and post them soon :)

Thoughts for Liesl...

Hi everyone ,

I have sad news I need to share. Liesl's dog (child) Callie has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and she does not seem to be doing well at this point. Liesl is pretty devasted, so please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. We love you, Liesl!

Shelby

Female Anthem

This song was played at the workshop in SD and I can't get over what a great song it is. It is exactly about what we talked about...loving all of yourself...the "light" and the "dark". Amazing song! I think it is about loving yourself, as well as the unconditional love of someone else. I hope I find that someday and to those of you who have it...don't let it go.

"Everything"

Alanis Morissette

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind

I can withhold like it's going out of style

I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone

Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met

I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected

I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen

And you've never met anyone

Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed

There's not anything to which you can't relate

And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking

My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating

I'm terrified and mistrusting

And you've never met anyone as,

As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed

There's not anything to which you can't relate

And you're still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know

What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go.

I'm the funniest woman that you've ever known

I'm the dullest woman that you've ever known

I'm the most gorgeous woman that you've ever known

And you've never met anyone

Who is as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything (you see everything),

you see every part (you see every part )

You see all my light (you see all my light)

and you love my dark (and you love my dark )

You dig everything (you dig everything)

of which I'm ashamed (of which I'm ashamed)

There's not anything (there's not anything)

to which you can't relate (to which you can't relate)

And you're still here(You see everything, you see every part)

And you're still here(You see all my light and you love my dark)

And you're still here(You dig everything of which I'm ashamed)

(There's not anything to which you can't relate)

And you're still here...

Last Tree in the Orchard

Ladies,

I came across this thing I wrote a few months ago, when I was still clinging to the hope of saving my marriage. Just thought I would share...

There was an apple tree in the backyard of the home where I grew up in Riverton, Wyoming. It was a green apple tree that I was always told was the last standing from an orchard that once stood where my childhood home now occupies. The tree must have been there since before the turn of the century, as our home was one of the first built in the town in 1910.

As a child, I recall spending lazy Sundays in the summer lying in a crocheted hammock under that beautiful tree. Even though it would be a hot day, the shade from the tree provided a welcome respite from the hot sun. I would lay there for hours as a child…listening to the wind blow through the leaves, rocking gently, maybe reading a book, sleeping until the loud slam of the old, wooden back door would wake me from my comfortable rest. My mom telling me dinner was ready. A special Sunday roast.

I think I felt happy. At least I know I felt safe and secure. I knew where I belonged. I knew I was loved and I had hope and anticipation for my future and all the things I would become. The tree was my shelter.

Years later, someone would join me in that hammock, under that old apple tree. His arms wrapped around me and the skin of our sweaty legs touching. We couldn’t get close enough. A perfect fit. We would rock and laugh and lay quiet, napping. He had become my security, my shelter, my home. I was accepted and loved. I didn’t have to pretend. I didn’t have to be anything I didn’t want to be. I didn’t have to feel like a part of me was missing any longer. I was safe. I was loved at last for who I was. The feeling of acceptance was intoxicating. It must have been what I was waiting for.

That tree is gone now. It died after I had left home for good and started my own home. My mom cried as she watched the workers cut it down. She was that way with trees. Left in its place is a stump that my dad transformed into a base of a table…my mom’s idea, I’m sure, except nobody wants to sit there in the middle of the hot yard on that table, eating their corn on the cob while the sun beats down. So the trunk sits. A reminder of the life it once lived. The dreams it watched come true. The hope. The laughter. The joy it witnessed. The tears, too.

I miss that tree. I didn’t know I did until today. I want it back, along with my dear mother and my husband. I know that it is not possible to get my mom or the tree back. No wonder I feel so desperate to have my love back…my best friend.

I want another chance to create something real for myself. Like the apple tree, the only conceivable way for me to continue in this life I have created is in a new form. The leaves are gone. My security and stability stripped from my branches. I must continue, bare and vulnerable to the harsh elements of the world. I must find a way to maintain my strength and beauty, despite what this year has done. I must find my own security…the kind that only comes from within myself.

Anxiously awaiting the torch....

How bizarre that Shelby has just listed a posting about passing the torch (or the pants as it may be in this case) because this Jersey gal is feeling the need for some of the magic of the pants and I was just about to post a plea for the pants to come my way soon. As you all know, we have found a great new house & are needing to sell our current house in order to move along in the process. Of course we can't do things the easy way & we decide to find a house & attempt to sell a house during the worst time in real estate history (OK so maybe I am exaggerating a bit, but it is getting really annoying that people are walking through our house on a daily basis making comments such as "you have wonderful taste....your decor is beautiful....what a great homemaker you are....this place is fabulous! and not one of those people has made an offer). All the while I was secretly thinking that the house is NOT going to sell until those darn pants are in my possession. We just lowered our price & are having an open house on Saturday so things may be looking up a bit. In the scheme of life, this really is not a big deal, but Brian is beginning to get antsy because our new home happens to have an area that will be the future home of Wynn Surfboards production, and with summer quickly approaching, time is ticking. He needs to have time to set up the factory in time to knock out those orders that are flying in. So our anxiety level is a bit high but I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. It is a bizarre process because I love this house that we are in now so much that I think everyone else should too. I remember when I found this house...I came home from San Diego for a weekend to house hunt, my mom & I walked in the front door & I said "I'll take it!" -then I realized that perhaps I should look at the rest of the rooms. Of course that just sealed the deal & we moved in a few months later.

So enough of my babbling here.......all in all things in my life are going well & I really shouldn't be complaining. I guess all I am saying is that I could use a good dose of the pants right about now & look forward to their arrival. I will post again when we have an offer! How's that for positive thinking? Liz will be her next week so perhaps that paired with the Jeans will bring good karma our way. Love to all of you gals....

Passing the Torch

Hello fabulous women!

The pants have left my possession, heading for Miss. It was with a bit of sadness that I relunctantly let them go this morning.

When I look back, there really has been a shift in my healing this month and I think it has everything to do with the pants (and all of you!). My good days outnumber my bad now and I have this almost erry self-confidence that feels deep and unwavering.

I am a brilliant, sensual, bewitching Greek goddess! There is no stopping me...

Shelby

Valentine's Day is for Sucks!

How many chocolate hearts dipped in peanut butter can one woman eat in a sitting??? Five...fifteen...twenty-two? It is my job to find out tonight.

Ok...so my date was not so great. I think it might be ok at first, but he proceeded to do nothing but talk about himself and the few times he did pause long enough to ask me a question, he seemed bored and turned the conversation to him, all the while downing about 4 beers and 2 double whiskey and cokes, which I paid for, since I had asked him out. So I drive home, talk to my soon to be ex-husband about my shitty date and then proceed to drunk phone Josh to tell him about the sad state of the shallow dating pool...to his voice mail, mind you. Not a proud moment for me! I think I am losing it. I am so very lonely sometimes. Can't I just find a nice, normal guy to hang out with and maybe get a little action now and then? I am not asking for a long-term commitment. I think I might be over my myspace addiction.

Ok...I might be asking for some real pants magic.

Have you all watched the movie Pay It Forward? Ever since I watched it years ago, I've wanted a way to incorporate this idea into the curriculum. Without feeling forced or cheesy, I just couldn't find an authentic place for it. ...Until this year. I teach Brave New World ever year with my seniors (if you haven't read it, it's an interesting satire of the future---frightenly closer to today than we want to admit), and I get done teaching it and want my students to feel less disillusioned than we all do. I saw this video about a violinist in China who stumbled across a site about how much it costs to buy a water buffalo. After some research, he found a way for 2 Americans to purchase a water buffalo and deliver it to a family. Watch the video; it's wonderful! I decided to ask my seniors what their Water Buffalo is going to be...before they graduate? What goodness can they create in the world? So we are off on a pay-it-forward quest.

Visit the wiki I've created for this and look at the videos (2 on the 1st page) and the brainstorming page. Add to the resources if you know of some great foundation sites. Do a couple and see if we can create a little magic in a small way for someone who leasts expects it.

Off to find my inner bitch...

Hello ladies!

I am leaving this afternoon for San Diego to explore my shadows. Not really sure what them means entirely, but it must be a good thing?! I hope you all recognize me when I return. I might be so in touch with all of the dark sides of me that no one will like me anymore. I guess that is the chance I am willing to take. Wish me luck!

Love you all!
Shelby

Chante Souvent du Verde (Sing Often of Green)

I am colored…light blue and faded into pink; a sunset seems to grown from the skyline. I am this mystery, a mix of hues. Emotions squeezed from an ominous, grey-black cloud, I remember the day I became the oak tree struck by lightning. I wanted a light blue, cloudless sky overhead.

I was not Michele, pretty and pink, I was now tough, charred, and angry. Age 25, 3 teenagers nested in my branches. Knots knarled and branched wanted to remain winter: brittle and lifeless. I fight to keep cold the ground of my life. But spring came and green grew. At times I feel a termite, decaying to the core; but through it all I remain myself: strong for the battle. Wood can fight fire when wet with tears.

I scream with anger—my 1 child dead.
I pound the soil wanting answers.
I search the sky for signs of life.
Black soars and circles-----not the life I wanted to appear.
I sing to forget.
I smile to breathe in happiness.
…It works and my grey gloom lifts; fog blankets the earth and light blue again colors me.

Nature provides my sanity—it’s my life’s shelf. My roots are colored green, deep, South Dakota born breathed with pine’s purpose. I stand tall now in winter with my needled branches providing protection and comfort. Now that I’ve found roots on Briarwood Ave., Colorado blue spruce is the perch I’ll settle upon. I am the mosaic Bonjour on my front door, dreaming of vacations never spent; its letters as blue as the Seine River. I’ll stand on those shores some day and feel light blue upon my toes.

I sing to soothe.
I sleep to revive.
I laugh to show love.
I love, I love, I love.

Ceramic, smooth to touch, Grandma’s Lincoln red roses, dahlias, and four o’clocks bloom on the vase of my life. Her Catholic mantra fills in the cracks of my vase, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’ve had to repeat this day in and day out at times—my vessel must hold more water than it seems. Its made for enjoyment, yet is wrecked easily; I’m colored bold as orange ice cream and white as this paper. Pen stains it and I live for its drawings. Letters create the words I live by; the alpha and omega and the budding spring---they teach me. Summer’s schnook wind whispers solace, fall brings fireworks, and my winter is now snowmen in scarves.

…For now, my skies will have a hint of light blue.

What are you colored, girls?




(This was inspired by Zola Hurst Neale's essay "How it Feels to Be Colored Me.")

MySpace - it's not just for teens

I am publishing this really as more of a confession because at some point Shelby and I might need an intervention. When my 40 year old sister was visiting I noticed she had a MySpace page and I proceeded to tease her and ask her what the heck she was doing on that juvenile site. I am eating my words now...

The only real issue is that you become a little obsessed with your "Space". Shelby and I are talking several times a day as we complete and refine our profiles. Not to mention how we are trying to figure out exactly what the MySpace "dating" etiquette is. I now find that the first thing I do in the morning is check my space and it's the last thing I do at night. Do I have a problem?

So perhaps this really is for teenagers because Shelby and I both agree we feel like we are in high school again and have that innocent rush you get from having cute boys interested in you. The only difference is you have to be a lot more creative than we had to be in high school. Back then you just called to hear their voice and then you hung up. We can't do that anymore with *69. On MySpace every move is captured and you know exactly when someone has read your message.

So at some point we might be asking for some help, but for now we are having a lot of fun.

Check out my page too. I am open for critiques as well. www.myspace.com/lgw19.

Checkout my new myspace page...

Checkout my new myspace page and tell me what you think...

My URLhttp://www.myspace.com/153596193

Can you believe how technologically advanced I am becoming? You have to be to date these days. Who knew???

Adventures at the Dog Park

So I was talking to Shelby the other day and mentioned that our local Dog Park is a great place to meet people. After all, what is easier than striking up a conversation over canines? Everyone loves to talk about their dogs and conversations can start with"what kind of dog is that?" or "we used to have a...." Most people going to the Dog Park, over by our place, are working folks who realize that they need to let the dog get out and socialize after being couped up all day. I've met a few fellow telecommuters who head down in between conference calls during the mid-day. For whatever reason, they're all pretty cool people. Until yesterday that is. I was at the Dog Park talking to a woman about her Ridgeback puppy (it was gorgeous), when this Rottweiler came strutting over toward us. I had heard about a male Rottweiler who lifts his leg on women at the Dog Park, could this be him? Just as the thought crossed my mind, the woman cautioned me about this dog, apparently she was the target last time they crossed paths. So, I moved out of his way, and he followed me, and I kept moving and he kept following. I looked around to find his owner, and saw Mr. Muscle Man standing about 5 yards away snickering, as his dog tried to pee on me. I gave him a "don't @#!%#& with me" look and he strolled over to redirect his dog. The woman I was standing next to said that she has watched this Jack@#&* laugh in the past when his dog has peed on women; now that's the kind of guy I want to be with. Can you even imagine, short muscle man, with a big grizzly dog, who urinates on women; he must be really wounded! Within a few minutes he decided to take his dog and leave, except that his dog had (what muscle man assumed was) a cramp in his leg and was limping. They managed to make it past the park gates, when his 200 lb Rott laid down and refused to keep walking. So there he was, in all his glory, trying to reason with a dog who didn't have any desire to meet his needs. All I can say is what comes around, goes around!

Am I a Happy Camper?

Ok gals, I just had to share that I met a friend Stephanie last night for dinner who I haven't seen in a couple of months. Why this is the case when we live 15 minutes away from each other I have no idea. At any rate, she is a friend who I met in San Diego (our hubbies worked together at the surfboard factory there) who is from Jersey & decided to move back the same time we did -how bizarre & the Jeans had nothing to do with it. So, we decide to go to Atlantic City to dinner at Wolfgang Puck's Bistro in the Borgata Casino, only to find out that the restaurant is closed for 2 weeks-just our luck! I might add that 2 times in the past that we have gone out for our "girls night out" the restaurants we chose were closed for random reasons. So we find another place to dine & then decide to stroll around the casino to people watch & to determine which machine to throw our whopping $20 into. I am bored with what I am seeing when out of the blue, I catch out of the corner of my eye the good old Happy Camper nickel slot! I am certain that my night is going to be filled with a fabulous story of winning big. I got the "marshmallow bonus" 2 times & that was about it. The Bear let me down this time. Needless to say, I walked away with $20 less in my wallet, but good memories of my time with you gals in Vegas. Apparently I am some sort of a gambler now? hmmm I will anxiously await my turn to wear the Pants & will head on back to AC to see if my luck will change.

Marriage Proposals and Other Adventures in Internet Dating

Hey ladies!
So Liesl talked me into setting myself up on myspace.com. I must say, I'm not sure I am going to find any good guys to date, but it certainly is entertaining! In just a couple of days, I was told I am "stunningly beautiful" and got a proposal of marriage. He told me I could "run up his credit cards, cheat on him, and kick his ass", as long as I married him. He even said that if I had a boyfriend, he would let him be the best man. Also, I talked to a firefighter on the phone yesterday...some random guy that was walking by when I was talking to Katie's husband, Neal on the phone about coming by the fire station to show Jarron the trucks (this has NOTHING to do with meeting hot firefighters...I assure you!).
According to my friend Robert, I am going to have to go through this crazy period of frantic dating, but eventually I will settle down. I guess he is probably right and in the meantime, I will have good stories to tell. The power of the pants lives on!

"I'm bringing sexy back..."

J. Timberlake

If They Could See Me Now...

I am one of the privileged people that knew Tonia well. Having her as a part of my life from the time I was 11 years old helped me to become the woman that I am today. As I read through all of the entries and see the process that Shelby is going through there is no doubt in my mind that Tonia has a hand in all of this. Yes the pants have "power". They have the power to heal, the power to connect, the power to allow women to realize that we are incredible not because of what a man thinks, but because of what people think (more importantly our good friends).

As far as Tonia goes, I believe that she is guiding Shelby and in turn the rest of us to figure out that she deserves nothing but the best. That she is surrounded by such good friends who care about her so much because she is such a good friend and a good person. It is the hand of Tonia who is intervening, but I believe she has help from several of ourloved ones who are looking out for all of us.

I think we all have the same beliefs. The beliefs that everything happens for a reason, there is a process that we have to go through whenever something tragic or negative happens in our life, and that life is a journey that goes far too quickly. I think we have all been reminded lately that we have to seize the moments to be with our friends and love ones and appreciate them because we don't know how long we will have or how many opportunities we will have.

So, being the accountant and by know means as articulate as all of you, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for taking good care of my friend Shelby (which Tonia would have told you has always been my job), but more importantly I want to thank you for the friendship that we have all developed. I think Tonia (and for me, my grandmother) are taking care of all of us.

Shelby, you do light up the room, but you also have a bunch of shining lights that surround you. That power is never going to dull.

I Light Up the Room!

First of all, I got asked out by e-mail yesterday! Someone I met casually through my friend Niki and her boyfriend, Sean during happy hour Saturday afternoon. This guy, Scott, told Sean after meeting me "she lit up the room!" That really touched me. I have spent so many months feeling crappy about myself that it was nice for someone to notice that my spirit is coming back. Not sure there is any real "love connection" with this guy, but that comment deserves at least a coffee with him. Who knows?
I really connected with what Miss said about life being too short. That has been my most profound lesson this year and I really believe it has changed me. I just seem to want to experience life more fully than I ever have. My highs seem higher and my lows seem lower and isn't that fabulous?! I really am not afraid of pain anymore. It reminds us that we are alive! Not saying I love it, but it is a wake up call when it happens.
I talked to Court last night and she was up $200!

Life is a Journey, not a Guided Tour

Well gals...I must say that this blog we have here is a fabulous venue for sharing. The flood of emotions that overcomes me when I read the entries is breathtaking. Whether we are sharing silly memories and moments, or tragic life events, we are still sharing. I agree with Shelby that finding the Jeans is a metaphor for something much larger here. I am convinced that talking (or typing) is a great way to heal (perhaps that is why I chose to be a therapist??) However, I at times struggle with knowing the right things to say. Not sure if any of you other gals have this issue or not,but I have found over the past years that when those close to me share a story, a problem, a concern, I am often tongue-tied & can't seem to find the right words to say. Which brings me to the part about why I am a therapist. Aren't we supposed to always know what to say? Don't we have the ability to make all of the problems go away? Intellectually I know this is not true-we are supposed to be good listeners, guide our "clients" (who most often happen to be friends and family members for me) to make the decisions themselves & be a support. So I have come to learn that it is OK to not always have the right thing to say, but I keep working on it because internally I want to be able to make things "all better" for people I care about.

My dad heard the saying "Life is a Journey, not a Guided tour" years ago and this has been sort of a family motto for us since then. These few words really make you think about things. Sometimes our journey leads us down roads we never would have chosen, sometimes positive, sometimes negative, but I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Of course during tragic times, I often question what the "reason" could be....and that is where my faith comes in. I suppose we need to embrace the journey & know that as strong women we can overcome any obstacles in the way. It doesn't hurt to have a pair of magical Jeans to take along...and it certainly doesn't hurt to have fabulous friends to be there with us.

So...as I read about struggles and triumphs, I realize that some of these Journeys are harder than others. Stay Strong gals.
And as a side note, I do believe that Shopping is a stage of grief...whatever it takes to alleviate some of the pain, even if only for a moment, is a good thing.
And to quote a lyric from Glen Phillips (my neverending heart-throb of a musician) "I will not take these things for granted". I think he was on to something here...despite all of the grief and heartache in our lives, it is important to try to find some things to hold onto & not take for granted. Life is short-