Struggling With Living in the Moment

Beautiful Women,

Wow! It seems like when I start to forget about the power of the pants, something happens that brings it all back to me. I loved talking to Liz about her last night in the pants and the amazing things that happened. Liz and I spent some time deciding who would play each of us in the movie. I want Reece Witherspoon. Liz is thinking Naomi Watts. We thought we had to get Julia Roberts for Court and we kicked around a few ideas for Missy...maybe Marissa Tomei??? What a cast! Three academy award winners! These pants are incredible!

Now onto my latest struggle... I had this amazing weekend in the mountains with Scott. Saturday was the perfect day. It was like I was in a fantasy world! Beautiful condo in Winter Park, on a hill across from the ski resort, hot tub on the porch, perfectly decorated, roaring fireplace, jacuzzi tub, lots of brand new lingerie, you get the picture??? Then I get back and I can go from being on top of the world to seriously crashing. I think the trigger was that I was invited to dinner at Scott's house last night with the kids. It was him and I, Niki and Shawn and the kids. I am living a double life and my two worlds collided! I guess I just wasn't prepared to have to play "mommy" in front of the guy I have been playing "hot sex kitten" with. It was just weird! And then I got all distrusting and paranoid and decided I should end it all with him before he ends up breaking my heart, because he doesn't want the package deal that I come with. I got all freaky and was NOT living in the moment. I do great when I can stay in the moment, but when I leave it for a second...I freak out!

So Scott says the perfect thing, as always...when I said "I come with too much baggage. You need to meet someone without kids", he says "I don't think you should refer to your kids as 'baggage'...they are great!" And goes on to say, "don't you think that if I was going to get freaked out by your children, I would have done that by now?" And then reminded me to stop trying to see into the future. He said "I just love being with you and that's all I know right now." He says those kind of things all the time and makes it impossible for me to hate him! (When Harry Met Sally quote!) How do I stop obsessing and losing it with him? Or he will get sick of me! When I asked him if he hated how I get like that, he thought about it for a few seconds and said "No. I like it." Ever since I said the "L word" last week, I have been really fearful and crazy one minute and in total shmoopy bliss the next. (and by the way, he loves me too and said he was glad I said it first, because he felt it, but didn't want to scare me off.) What gives? How do I learn to trust again? I hate Bryan! How did I get here???