Amazing Women!
I knew I would have to eventually have another crappy day...so BOOM! It happened yesterday. The great thing is...I survived it with my self-esteem still relatively in tact! Just lots of emotions coming up for me. With the recent anniversary of my mom's death, a Easter trip to WY to hang out with my emotionally unavailable male family members, having to get my "disillusionment of marriage" notarized and finally cleaning all of Bryan's shit out of MY closet (both in the same day), I was bond to have a bit of a setback.
I feel angry that Bryan took an amazing relationship and threw it in the trash. Angry for my loss and for my children's loss. Problems come up in every relationship. He was only responsible for telling me how he felt and he could not do that. He still sees that as a result of my "judgemental" and "critical" nature.
I think the big thing here is that when I start to look for the "why" again, like I did yesterday, I always end up feeling horrible. I need to stay in the moment and except that the "why" will probably NEVER make complete sense to me. And the more I have those moments where I look to Bryan to explain his behavior to me, the more awful I end up feeling about myself. He really can be masterful at manipulation. After talking to him, I typically find myself questioning myself and how I was responsible for this divorce. He keeps reminding me that I am "50% responsible" and in my weaker moments, I actually believe that. I can get myself out of that place and say to myself "what a bunch of crap", but I need to stop going there at all.
I guess this week I have had to face that fact that this relationship is truly over. That at this point, it wouldn't matter what Bryan said or did. I am finally at a place where I really get the fact that Bryan is not good for my soul. I am having to grieve the loss of what I thought we had and who I thought he was. I am not sure that person EVER existed.
Thoughts? Are you guys out there? I miss you all!
Shelby
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1 comment:
Hang in there Shelby & keep telling yourself that you are not "50% responsible" for this nightmare. If he wants to believe that, it is only because it is too difficult for him to realize that he blew it & it is easier for him to blame you to relieve himself. If giving 100% of yourself, being a wonderful mother, loyal wife, friend and confidante = 50% of a marriage ending, I need to re-enroll in math class because that equation does not make sense.
Loss sucks, but I am certain that you will find the strength & know that your mom is pulling for you here. She might not be on this earth with us, but her light is certainly shining down on you. Keep the faith & know us gals are here for you always :)
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