Monday, May 28, 2007

Serenity and the Pants

Hello friends!
I have had the pants for a few days now and I must say...I am certain that their magic is with me...no doubt in my mind! I cannot tell you all how strong, happy, beautiful and alive I feel at times these days. That is not to say that I don't have moments that are pretty low, but those are fewer and farther between and I am able to pull myself out of it with a phone call or sitting quiet and thinking about how lucky I am that Bryan turned out to really be a jackass.
The thing I am so proud of myself about is that the way I feel is independent of ANY man and what they think about me. I have truly learned to love myself more this year. I really believe that I don't NEED anyone to be ok.
Funny how you THINK you know and understand that, but until I went through what I went through, I am not sure that is really what I believed. I know now that I looked to Bryan to bring me happiness. I really understand now that I am the sole one responsible for my happiness. I wonder now...are two people at 19 years old really able to do that? To accept each other exactly how they are, with few expectations??? And even so, there is so much change and growth to be done, how do people manage to grow together? Guess I hit on why the divorce rate is so high? The stage we are in at that age is all about trying to figure out who you are apart from your parents. I guess we looked to each other to fill in the gaps and in turn, never truly figured out who we were. Might be an over simplistic look at what happened?
I am trying not to look to Bryan anymore for all of the blame. His role in this was not being honest about his feelings. My role was allowing myself to not get my needs met. Just being "ok" with his inability to make me a priority in his life. Hmmmmmm....
Now onto the good stuff...Scott surprises me everyday with his kindness, gentleness, thoughtfulness, (sexiness!), and overall ability to see me for who I am. He loves who I am! Having said that, I am well aware that once the "real" us comes out at some point, perhaps we will come to realize that we are not meant to be. That this relationship was meant to get both of us through hard times in our lives. But what a lesson I am learning from him! When I am with him, my mind is completely clear. I feel centered like I don't think I ever have before. Ok...this is cheese...but you know that saying about "life is not about moments, but the moments that take your breath away"??? My breath is taken away about daily with just something he says to me in all his sincerity. I don't like to compare, but I am not sure Bryan ever really took my breath away. Sad, huh?
I hope you are all happy, content, peaceful, loved and are remembering to laugh. I cannot tell you all enough how much you mean to me.

3 comments:

Court said...

Shelb...Talk about moments that take your breath away! I was choked up as I read your entry. I am absolutely awe-struck by your self-awareness and insight! You truly inspire me and I have loved to see you change and grow this year and come to truly LOVE yourself. Thank you for a wonderful way to get the morning started on this Memorial Day.

missypatch said...

I second that comment Court! Shelby you never cease to amaze me with your strength & inspiration. Rock on sister & enjoy those "take your breath away moments"- now THAT is what life is all about. I can honestly say that after reading your entry, with confidence I can say that at this point in my life I am happy, content, peaceful, loved & I am remembering to laugh... so I think I have a lot to be thankful for.

"Lucky pants" Liz said...

Shelby,
You are quite a woman and inspire me to want to be a the best person, wife, mother and friend that I can be. I'm definitely headed on a path of taking better care of myself.
Can't wait to see what round 2 brings us, ladies!